Hey Guys!
I know I said I probably wouldn’t be back until after the New Year but here I am. Over the past couple of months, writing has really helped me to learn how to better articulate my thoughts and feelings along with allowing myself to be more vulnerable by discussing things and feelings that are hard to deal with. With Christmas coming up, I wanted to share a few things I’ve been thinking about and feeling for the last couple of weeks.
All I Want for Christmas is…
If I’m being honest, it’s to chill the hell out. After a rather difficult but eye-opening conversation with my therapist, I realized a lot of my anxiety and worry comes from thinking too much. Too much of my time is spent worrying about scenarios I make up in my head – almost none of which ever actually happen. I spend a lot of time thinking about how I can control every situation and if every situation is controlled, then nothing bad can happen. I spend a lot of time preparing myself for the worst case scenario so that if it ever happens, I’m already mentally prepared and won’t be blind-sided. Let me tell you, it’s freaking exhausting. It’s a sad, tiring and scary place to live in. It’s also really confusing. In my discussion with my therapist, we also talked about how the logical portion of my brain is on track. I know worrying about a situation won’t change the outcome or prevent bad things from happening. I know that worrying in the way I do isn’t guiding me in the direction I want my life to go in. And yet, here I am. I can’t get my emotional brain in check.
I forget where I heard this and I’m paraphrasing but – change comes when you get tired of your own bullshit. And guess what guys, I’m there.
While this all may seem very depressing, I want everyone to know, I don’t feel sad. I love spending my time with my children everyday and watching them grow. I love having my husband home everyday, even if he’s working. I love how my life is going and I feel like I’m exactly where I want to be. The worry and anxiety is like a little mosquito that is constantly flying around me preventing me from being able to fully focus on the most important parts of my life. This anxiety has been growing larger and larger since the loss of my mom and sister in 2007. It has been pushed aside and ignored for almost 15 years until finally, my mind has had enough of putting it on a shelf. It’s time to go do the hard and dirty work to really understand why my mind is doing what it’s doing. It’s time to feel the feels, y’all.
The reason I felt compelled to write about this right before Christmas is because I know there’s other people who feel this way. Maybe not to the same degree, or maybe even more than I do. I wanted to plant this little seed before Christmas in the hopes that it helps even one person become more aware of being present. But everyone needs to hear this:
You deserve to live a happy life. You deserve to find joy in every single moment with yourself, your loved ones, your children. Worrying takes you out of the present moment and doesn’t allow you to be there as fully as you deserve to be. And on the flip side, the part that really hit home for me, my family deserves a fully present and engaged me. My children deserve to have a mother who is there physically, mentally and emotionally. My husband deserves the same. So, it’s time to get to work.
I believe in setting reasonable resolutions in the New Year. This year, I’m committing myself to pulling myself out of this. I’m going to put in whatever work is necessary to get back to being fully present. Will it be a perfect journey? I’m guessing not. Will it be easy? Well, no. If it were easy, I would have done it already. But you know what? It will be worth it. The work you do on yourself will always be worth it.
Mental Sweat Exercise: Take time to really think about habits or things that you do that you’re tired of. Whether it’s worrying too much, working too much, not working enough, whatever it is…Change it. Commit yourself to bettering yourself and moving forward this year.
You’re worth it.
Happy Holidays to you & yours
From me & mine
Love this! And your transparency, Ally. It’s not easy to “change our brains” & our negative habits, but it is worth it for a much better quality of life! I’m with you—let’s do this 💖