Good morning, y’all.
On Friday afternoon I went to get an MRI. The symptoms of my anxiety have been occurring for a year now and I wanted to make sure there was nothing else going on. I was being proactive. I got my results back about an hour later (pretty freaking cool – especially on a Friday) and they were normal. Of course I was nothing but relieved. But I was also shocked. Over the last year I had convinced myself that there was something wrong. Something other than anxiety that was causing me to be dizzy, or causing me to get head rushes. I knew anxiety was powerful. I knew it. But I don’t think I really let myself believe just HOW powerful it really was. This MRI and the normal result was comforting but I also knew now that I had a lot of work unlearning and undoing the mental effects I’ve allowed anxiety to cause. So as of Friday night, I was ready to start unlearning. The normal result of my MRI has been so helpful so far. Whenever the feelings of anxiety creep in, I’m able to remind myself that “there was nothing wrong” and “this is all just anxiety”. It really has been so helpful. Being able to do this, though, I realized how often anxiety was actually creeping in. Waves of it, all day, everyday. Being able to pull myself out of it with legitimate evidence has decreased the amount of time I spend suffering. It shortens the time I have these weird physical feelings of anxiety because I’m no longer allowing myself to spiral out of control in my thoughts. When I went to the doctor to request the MRI, he recommended that I start taking a daily Xanax. I asked him why and he said it would help me relax a little. I then asked him, “So do I just take Xanax then for the rest of my life? It won’t cure my anxiety, it will just subdue it’s symptoms.” And he HAD NO ANSWER. You are free to make whatever decision you want, and if medicine works for your lifestyle, you do that. In the same respect, it does not work for me in my lifestyle. I want to help myself. I want to put in the work even though it’s really hard and really frustrating.
I’m going to get pretty personal here. I know where this anxiety stems from. I know that logically, it doesn’t make sense and life doesn’t follow patterns. Yet, here I am convincing myself that it does. Letting the “what if” fuel my life and rob me of the joy I should be feeling while surrounded by my beautiful family and the beautiful place I live. When my mom was 9, she lost her mother to a heart attack. It’s my understanding that my poor mom even had to watch her mother have a heart attack she would never come back from. From what I know, her heart attack was most likely due to poor lifestyle choices. No less, it doesn’t take away from the fact that my grandmother died when my mom was only 9 and my mom witnessed it. My mom absolutely LOVED being a mom. There was nothing that drove her more than motherhood. She would brag and brag about my sister and I. It was almost embarrassing because I was never very good at anything. Pretty average kid. My mom (and my younger sister) died in a car accident when I was 15. My mom was only 37 and my sister only 13. I was not in the accident but for a long time, I blamed myself for it because they were dropping me off and the accident occurred on their way home. The thought, “if I wouldn’t have gone, they’d still be here” haunted me well into my adulthood. Fast forward to now, I have 3 perfect children of my own and my anxiety is just rooted in something happening to me. In leaving them behind without a mother. At first, I just chalked up my anxiety as normal because it wasn’t dictating my life. But as of last year, when it started to affect leaving the house, or how my body was feeling physically, I noticed I was afraid of dying.
I knew what it felt like to lose my mother. And my mom knew what it was like to lose her mother. We understood those feelings. Not having a mom for huge milestones, to be a grandmother to our children. And that just terrified me. The thought that it could happen to my children made me nauseous. And so the anxiety came in. Took over my life. And just recently, I looked at myself and asked, “what are you doing?. Your children are here. You are here. And you’re wasting your time worrying about dying instead of giving your children the very best of you. You’re letting anxiety take over instead of taking your kids to the playground. You’re suffering instead of showing your kids all that there is to enjoy in life”. Parenting is hard. You always want to do right by your children but you’re also trying to figure out how to do right by yourself. You can’t take care of anyone else if you can’t take care of yourself.
Cue mindfulness. Thankfully, my therapist recommended a book to me and everything changed. I had been listening to Alan Watts for a little while before and his insights and explanations of life and the universe make perfect sense but it didn’t resonate as well as the explanations of Thich Nhat Hanh. Sometimes, you just need it to click. And he makes it click for me. I learned different techniques on calming myself, focusing on my breath, and understanding death in such a way that not only makes sense to me, but actually comforts me. Realizing, despite my resistance, anxiety is a choice. Mentally, I was choosing to feed my anxiety. I was allowing my thoughts to dictate my life and I was feeding the negative thoughts by entertaining worries and “what ifs”. I was choosing anxiety over mindfulness.
Being overwhelmed contributes big-time to my feelings of anxiety. And overwhelm comes very easily when you’re home all day with 3 very young children. Mindfulness is the only thing that has been giving me some relief. I tried to ignore it in the beginning, or drink it away in the evenings, or tell myself I was being ridiculous and to just…feel better. None of it worked. Not until I got to the root cause and found a way that worked for me to self-soothe. It’s not going to look the same for everyone. But it will be worth it for everyone. Learning to breathe mindfully (which I am still very much working on and practicing) seems kind of silly at first.
Breathing in, I know I am breathing in.
Breathing out, I smile.
These simple steps (from Thich Nhat Hanh’s No Mud, No Lotus) will instantly bring you into the present moment. You can repeat it as many times as you need to until your racing mind, heart and body calm down. Remind yourself that you have nothing other than the present moment and begin to put all of your focus on what you are doing. Even if you’re just sitting there. Realize that you are breathing, your body is working, you are touching the ground/couch/chair/etc. Realize that your worries are just that. Worries. It is not reality. You won’t convince yourself the first time, or even the second time. Mindfulness is a practice that will require consistency. But it is something you can do at every moment of the day. It costs nothing and will make you better for it. Our society is so used to a “quick fix” or a pill. No one is ready or taught how to help themselves.
To take it a step farther, do these steps outside if you can. Integrating nature is not as hard as everyone makes it out to be. And it doesn’t have to be some grand walkabout. Wherever you are, you have access to the outside. Utilize it. Sit in the grass. Feel the sunlight. Feel the breeze. Listen to the birds. Remember that the world keeps spinning and life continues on no matter what is happening inside your head. Remember that animals and plants don’t sit and harp on the past or worry about the future. They do what they need to do to live and thrive in their environment. They just are. We as humans get so caught up in worrying about ourselves, others, the past, the future, our jobs, our families. Everything and anything at all. While the rest of the world is able to just be.
We all deserve to enjoy our lives. No matter what remains in your past, no matter what your future holds, if you choose to enjoy it, you will. In an attempt to give up some literature specifically dedicated to mindfulness, I was recommended a “palate cleanser” of a wholesome children's novel. Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery. It would appear I was raised under a rock because I had never heard of this book before but it is known to be a children’s classic. I started this book in an effort to just get lost in a wholesome story and not think about “fixing” myself. This morning, I read this quote from Anne and it was perfectly applicable to this stage in my life.
“Do you know,” Anne said confidentially, “I’ve made up my mind to enjoy this drive. It’s been my experience that you can nearly always enjoy things if you make up your mind firmly that you will”.
What a concept to apply to the mundane “chores” in life to make life more enjoyable. I also imagine enjoying and appreciating things like doing the laundry, or doing the dishes would diminish a lot of the stress and worry that surrounds getting them done. The truth is, a lot of us don’t appreciate the fact that we should be grateful we are capable of doing these things and taking care of the stuff that we have. And honestly, what is our other option? These things have to get done no matter what. So why not try to enjoy them instead of miserably pushing through? There is so much in this world to be grateful for that starts far below a fancy house or a fancy car. Be grateful for your breath, for your health, for the sunshine, for nourishing food, for your children, for their health. Let’s remember that life doesn’t have to be flashy to be grand. If you firmly make up your mind to enjoy what you have, you won’t always be looking for more or worrying about the future. Enjoy this moment. Enjoy this breath.
As always, share The Honeymama Journal with everyone and anyone! Let’s create a positive space for people to grow.
Keep breathing (mindfully and literally) LOL
-A
P.S. As I was re-reading this post, I noticed I talk a lot about my anxiety in the past tense. Make no mistake — this is all a work in progress. I have good days and bad days. I have mindful days and anxious days. But I’m going to use language that fuels the kind of life I want to live. And that includes leaving anxiety in the rear-view.
Beautiful, Ally. I can relate to so much of what you’re going through. Loss & grief have many layers…& it’s a journey to train our minds to stay calm & even to allow ourselves to be in the moment. Keep up the hard work—it’s a healing journey.
Sending love ❤️