Happy Monday, y’all!
We’ve still been really busy with a ton of different stuff. I’ll share that story in a few weeks but it’s all good news and onto some bigger adventures for me and the fam!
This morning I got to catch up with a friend and it was so nice to chat with her. It’s been…a WHILE. After the small talk, we got into discussing mental health and how we’ve been doing. After we both shared, we found a lot of similarities between our experiences. On one hand, it’s nice to finally talk to someone who “gets” exactly what I’m going through. On the other hand, I feel really awful that one of my friends feels the way I do. I’ve been pretty open about my struggle with anxiety and I really wouldn’t wish these feelings on my worst enemy.
*If you’re new here* – My anxiety really started to hinder my life in July 2022. That’s when the dizzy spells started and that’s when I really started to become a recluse. Even though I could see these things happening first hand, I was in complete denial that it was anxiety causing it all. I went to the doctors for this and that and the other thing. Anything I could blame for my symptoms, I put the blame there instead of anxiety. It wasn’t until about November that I decided to start seeing a therapist. After our first meeting, she said it was probably safe to say I have general anxiety and PTSD.
After talking with my friend, I had this ah-ha moment (as I often do). We often get caught up and straight up consumed by our own lives and we can forget the world is still turning outside. I’ve been selfishly caught up in my anxiety for almost a year now. Now, I know it’s important to take care of yourself and have your own self-awareness, but you also owe it to your loved ones to keep moving. It’s not always easy, it’s actually almost never easy, but everyone is going through their own shit and you have to be aware of that as well. Anxiety can take you to a selfish place if you let it. Another one of its dirty tricks. For me specifically, I owe it to my kids and my husband to work on getting better. I shouldn’t be wasting our time together worrying. I also should be very aware that time is fleeting and sometimes life can be painfully short.
I know I’ve discussed this before but I haven’t really moved on from this part yet. Which just means there is more work to be done.
So now here I am. Wondering how I can be so aware that life can be SO short, while also being so aware that for the last year I’ve been wasting so much of my time worrying. I feel like I’m stuck. But there’s really only two paths to choose from. Path #1- continue to worry about literally everything, most of which I have no control over anyway. Path #2- focus on the now. Release the need to control and really start focusing on what I have right in front of me. Only one path really seems worth taking.
Even the progress I’m seeing with anxiety has been really hard for me. It’s been months of very very slow progress. I’m probably the most impatient person you’ll ever meet. The fact that there is no overnight cure for anxiety, truly pains me. I know that “it’s about the journey not the destination” but damn, I’m ready to get there. I’m not trying to downplay my progress because there are some days where I’m really impressed with myself. But the speed at which it happens is something I need to work on accepting.
I do always try to find the silver lining and in this case, I’m hoping the silver lining is that by helping myself I can help my kids learn to regulate and manage their emotions in a better way than I did. I want them to grow up expressing their feelings instead of bottling them up. I want them to know they can come to me with anything and there will always be a solution or a goal to work towards to make it better. I also want them to learn and know that no one is going to do the work for you. You’re the only one who can put in the time and effort to really make a change for yourself. Books and therapy can be helpful, and they have been for me, but until I learn to apply that information to my daily life, nothing changes.
Take everything a day at a time. Find ways to fit your personal work into your routine. Make personal growth a habit. You’re always worth the work.
Keep taking a step forward.
-A
Thanks for being so open & honest, Ally! We will get through this…& having aha moments helps us move forward in the right direction—keep it up 💚