Hey Guys!
Coming atcha today from my kitchen table trying to avoid looking out the window at our downed papaya tree and wind stricken garden from Hurricane/Tropical Storm Nicole. I will start by saying, I am grateful that we are faring well yet again during the second very powerful and destructive storm coming through in the last 2 months. These storms always remind me that we are not in control. And for someone who always has to be in control, I need these instances to set me straight. Mother Nature/The Universe holds all the power. Always has and always will. We, as humans, are merely existing here with no real control (despite what the governments think).
In the last few months I’ve been doing some light yet thought provoking reading. I’ve read “The Time Keeper” by Mitch Albom, “The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho, “Signs” by Laura Lynne Jackson and I’m currently reading “Zen and the Art of Happiness” by Chris Prentiss. As I said in the last paragraph, a lot of me feels the need to always be in control of situations. These books have been a great reminder that there are things that will just never be controlled. A quote that really stood out to me from “The Alchemist” was, “We are afraid of losing what we have, whether it’s our life or our possessions and property. But this fear evaporates when we understand that our life stories and the history of the world were written by the same hand.” I think I sat and read that over and over again for a solid ten minutes. I wanted to absorb it. Soak it all in and truly believe it.
Life is certainly a journey and it can be as great or as miserable as we make it. I noticed in myself this past year that I’ve been making things a lot harder than they need to be for myself. I’ve been so worried about things that aren’t even probable. I have wasted so much time this year worrying about things that never even happened. I have let this worry drive my days. Recently, later than I would like to admit, I decided enough was enough. Once I was finally able to admit to myself that this was getting out of control, I was able to shift my thinking. And those books mentioned had a part in shifting my thought process. So much of what goes around on social media is this “treat yourself” mentality. And while I do fully believe in self-care, I do NOT believe that self-care is eating cake, watching TV for 2 days straight or ignoring your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Self-care in my opinion, is literally caring about yourself in every aspect. Eating a healthy diet, prioritizing exercise, making sure you spend time with people who lift you up and make you feel good. Another part of caring for yourself is holding yourself accountable. While I do believe there are many illnesses and mental illnesses that do require professional attention, I think there are often steps that can be taken before that to try and remediate the issue at hand.
Let me run through my very personal, somewhat embarrassing experience and thought process to better give you an idea. I guess it’s not really embarrassing but I will preface all of this by saying I did let this get out of hand to the point where it affected my daily routine and responsibilities. Back in early July, I was at the store with my son M (age 5). Something we did often together when the younger two kids took their nap. Out of nowhere, I got dizzy to the point where I had to sit down. It immediately freaked me out and my mind went to a weird place. “What if I pass out? Who would care for M? How scared would he be?” and the downward spiral of scary thoughts continued. I managed to calm myself down and drive us home. At first I didn’t even consider this to be anxiety. We were in a store we frequented and I felt totally comfortable in. My first instinct was that my blood sugar had dropped or I drank too much coffee and not enough water that day. The dizziness continued in very random situations and even at home. I still never considered anxiety because I wasn’t having a panic attack or trouble breathing. I was just getting dizzy. This continued.
Fast forward to August and I finally read something online (ya know, ol reliable google doctor) and found out that anxiety can cause dizziness. I read someone's personal account of this on some sort of forum I’ve never heard of before and it was almost identical to what I was feeling. I felt heard and seen. The dizziness immediately got better. It didn’t go away and the anxiety was not cured but having read someone else’s account of all this made me feel like I wasn’t going crazy. I started to look up different ways to manage anxiety. There are a TON of different suggestions online for managing anxiety. Some I was already doing like eating a healthy diet and exercising everyday. Other things I needed to start incorporating and once I did they started to help. By this point, I had learned to exist with these dizzy bouts. I guess I would get anxious enough to start the dizzy spell but didn’t allow myself to go any further than that.
Fast forward to now. I am currently reading “Zen and the Art of Happiness” and something really stuck out to me. People who are unhappy (not necessarily with their life but with a part of it – me being unhappy with my anxiety), can help shift towards happiness on their own. There was a part in the book that discussed being the person you wanted to be so when intrusive thoughts started to take over, you tell yourself “this is not who I am or who I want to be” and then you would continue to think about what kind of person you are aiming to be and how you can get there. This helped immensely. If I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t go back to sleep, I just kept thinking to myself, “I want to be someone who gets a healthy and full night’s sleep to wake up feeling rested and their best tomorrow” over and over again until I fell asleep. This seems kind of silly and simple but it worked for me and I’ve continued to use it in many different situations. Although these different tactics have helped so much, I am still seeking therapy (starting next week) to better sort through my thoughts and emotions in hopes I can really kick this anxiety thing in the ass. I believe I can completely overcome it and get back to living a normal and fully joyful life.
Although the last five months have been mentally and emotionally exhausting, I would have never reached this level of awareness within myself if I didn’t go through it. I am grateful for this journey and how it’s taught me to continue to grow and learn not only about myself but how to not let myself get this far deep in it again. And that’s not to say I will never have anxiety again but I will already be equipped with some different tools to help myself. I’ve been really trying to ask myself in trying times, “what is this teaching me”? One of the main take-aways from this experience is that I am capable of evaluating myself and making adjustments. Once I started to hold myself accountable and realized that no one was going to make any changes for me and it definitely wasn’t going to just happen on its own…is when I sought out different resources to help myself. The books, the internet (although, don’t recommend ha), and finally a therapist. I knew I didn’t want to live my life like this anymore and had to hold myself accountable and set goals to better myself.
My husband and I were talking the other day about how people get “stuck”. Which is kind of what prompted this post. In today's culture, we are flooded with so much disease and mental illness but a lot of the root cause is overlooked by the media, food industry and big pharma. It’s really hard to pull yourself out of an emotional slump and I believe that is partly by design. The culture even surrounding these issues isn’t to look within, put time into figuring yourself out, getting a good nutritional balance, getting sunlight, etc. We are immediately directed toward medications and I personally believe that keeps us all in a never-ending loop of different ailments. We aren’t told to hold ourselves accountable these days and we’re always looking for someone or something to blame.
Mental Sweat Exercise: If there is a part of your life or a situation in your life that you are not happy with or it isn’t serving you, I want you to really consider the root cause of it all. Are you giving the situation too much negative attention when you should just walk away? Do you need to look to different resources to shift to a more positive mindset? Should you adjust your diet? Exercise more? Focus on getting a better night's sleep? Admit fault in yourself because let’s face it, we aren’t perfect. There are so so many different ways we can start to change ourselves for the better right at the tip of our fingers but we will never get there if we don’t first admit there is something that needs changing. It’s time to level up!
I love to continue to learn new things and to shift my perspective to be more open, mindful, positive and grateful. It will always be a work in progress and you will never reach the “destination” of this journey but that’s what makes it fun. We’re all capable of doing anything we want with our lives and I hope this post, if nothing else, reminds you of just that. You are the only one who holds the key to your own happiness. You won’t find it in anyone else’s pocket.
*There are also three friends who have been there for me day and night to help me sort through and help me to manage my thoughts. This is a shout out to them to let them know how thankful I am to have them in my life and for our daily mama/friend conversations. Love you, BL & LB & CF*
The books I’ve read have really helped! I definitely recommend all of them. Ya know, whenever you can find the time to read 😜 good luck on your journey. Near or far, we’re all in this together. 💛
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts, Ally! I’ve also struggled with anxiety, & have been on a journey of finding peace & more awareness of my mental health needs. It’s encouraging to read your journey...& know that we can be there for each other 💖