And so it begins…
There is a big Winter storm coming in tonight and the snow just started falling (5pm MST). We are slated to get anywhere between 1-4ft of snow. I have been bouncing back and forth being excited while also longing for Spring. I’m excited for my kids because I remember that feeling of waiting for snow and waking up in the morning to in fact find out that the storm was not a dud. To open the blinds first thing in the morning and see inches upon inches of snow was exhilarating. The endless ideas that came flooding into your young and innocent mind. Snowman? Igloo? Sledding? What to do first?
As an adult, snow storms such as this one are felt on a different level. Do we have enough food? Are we stocked on supplies? What if the power goes out? Anxiety started creeping in as I started to prepare. Earlier today, I allowed myself to worry. I allowed my heart to race, my palms to sweat. I kept going over my prep list again and again. Of course because I am the way I am, there is nothing left to do to prepare. We have food and water. We have prepared meals incase the power goes out. All the flashlights are accounted for and working. But still the anxiety raged on…
I could see my anxiety starting to manifest in irritation and lack of patience with the kids which is when I decided to “check myself before I wreck myself” and have an internal pep talk — “Ally, you have endured so much throughout life already. What’s a snowstorm? Even if you lose power, you’ve survived storms before which knocked out power. Do you not find yourself capable?” And that’s when it hit me. Do I find myself capable? Why would I not be capable of managing a big storm? Why do I not have enough trust in myself to handle something such as a big snow storm? On top of that, why am I even worrying about it? It has not even happened yet. Somewhere during this inner dialogue I started wondering about those who came before me. I have been known to let “worst case scenario” live rent free in my mind. Clearly I am not the first and only one to experience a storm (literally and figuratively). But what about those who lived 100 years ago, 200 years ago? It was still snowing, and people were still living. Certainly not in the luxurious homes we have today, but in shelters built with their own two hands. With food they often caught for themselves. With other bartered goods.
They were not able to prepare the way we are.
They did not worry the way we do.
I considered my own ancestors and what they may have had to endure. How they would most likely be laughing in my face at the worry over something as simple and naturally occurring as a snow storm. Even my grandparents who were born in the 1930’s. It was such an incredibly different way of life. Being from Pennsylvania, the weather has always been all over the place. Snow one day, sun the next. Or gray skies for weeks.
But here we are, living in a completed and safe shelter with electricity, food, water, heat, etc…and still I worry. Worry about what is coming. Why is this?
I just started watching The Little House on the Prairie with the kids. As we watched the first few episodes, I noticed something about Ma and Pa that I admire deeply. Although they were traveling and starting a new life on their own, they had this confidence in their ability. They knew it posed danger and difficulty but they also knew the reward outweighed the risk. They also knew they had no one else to rely on but themselves. They were grateful for helpful folks along their journey but they were not factored into the success.
As a society, we have come so far from being able to sustain ourselves. We (a society) have become so reliant on convenience or handouts that we wouldn’t even know our heads from our own asses if we needed to. Most of us could never even think of a situation that would render us self-reliant, while a select few long for self-reliance. I am somewhere in between. I wish there was a way for my family to become self-reliant without posing any danger or inconvenience. But such is life. You either buck up, or give in.
Thinking further I had to ask myself, “if it really came down to it, would I be willing to do what it takes to make my family’s life as comfortable and sustainable as possible”? The answer was yes. One hundred million times, yes. I know if necessary, I would do whatever I needed to to ensure the survival of my family.
I decided moving forward I was going to channel my inner Ma Ingalls. A sort of, “what would Ma do”? She was not without worry. But she was able to look at what needed to be done for her family and focus on that. Small tasks like cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. to make sure her loved ones were cared for. To carry the burden on herself rather than project worry on everyone else.
As I write this, I’m looking out the window as the snow picks up. At first glance, snow is falling fast but when you take the time to really look at it and try to focus on the snowflakes, they slow down. Almost like some sort of illusion. As if time is slowing down. How wonderful Mother Nature is at reminding us all to focus and slow down, even if our surroundings otherwise look chaotic.
As always, there is so much in life to be grateful for. When we are lost, lonely, confused, anxious — taking the time to make a gratitude list is such a helpful tool to pull us out of whatever funk we may be in. It is also a great reminder of the things we admire about ourselves even if we do not feel that way in the moment.
Gratitude✨:
Health
Family, kids, dogs
Laughter — my kids and my own
Coffee
Courage
Self-trust
A good book (currently reading The Sackett Series)
A warm bed (to crawl into and wake up in)
Friends, old and new
Little House on the Prairie
Growing up and being told to be reliant on everyone else makes it daunting to trust yourself. But you are capable. Whatever it is you are reluctant to do or try, you can.
-AD
I love what you wrote at the end of this Ally. So true. There is so much to be gained in taking that step into self trust and knowing how capable you are. I loved reading your reflections on this! I hope you guys have the most fun in the snow x