Marcus Aurelius, MVP
Wisdom I didn't know I needed but am grateful to have forced myself to find.
I’m not sure what I’m doing back here in only a few days. Lately I feel like I haven’t been inspired to write about anything of any importance. I’ve been hyper focused on planning for Christmas and our search for a new permanent home. The overwhelm and overstimulation that can come with big lifestyle changes can really just consume your mind, not allowing for much more to go on in your head. I have noticed over the last few months a major improvement in my anxiety. I mean like, major major. I’ve still got a ways to go but its always so rewarding to notice a positive improvement when you’ve been working on something for a long time. I have to give credit to the beauty and openness that Colorado has brought me. Our nature walks, hikes and just the overall clean and crisp air has brought a calm in me that I felt I was missing in Florida.
Sometimes when I’m feeling a lack of creativity, I try to challenge myself with something. I honestly thought crocheting was going to become an addictive hobby of mine but I have found I lack the time and drive to really figure it out. I know one day I will, but now is not that time. So I decided to turn to “The Greats” and the “Know it alls”. You know, the philosophers who seem to have everything figured out. I thought maybe they would spark some sort of light in the creativity darkness. I’ve been listening to Marcus Aurelius’ “The Meditations” on Spotify.I wasn’t sure how this was going to go and I had zero expectations. That’s a lie— I honestly thought I was going to be bored to death. I’ll admit, I was bored during the introduction and I was a little weary about sticking with it. But one of the things I’m working on (rather unsuccessfully, I’ll admit) is starting something and finishing it. So I pushed on…When Book 1 started, I had thought, what did I get myself into? Theres no way I will continue this…But then when Book 2 started, I was hooked. I remember thinking, this is exactly what I needed to hear.
“It follows that the longest and the shortest lives are brought to the same state. The present moment is equal for all; so what is passing is equal also; the loss therefore turns out to be the merest fragment in time. No one can lose either the past or the future — how could anyone be deprived of what they do not possess? - “The Meditations Book 2”
One of the fuels to my anxiety fire (literal dumpster fire somedays) is death. After losing my mom and my sister, I am constantly worried about losing someone in my immediate family. I think I am more scared to leave my children behind than I am of actual death. I know what it’s like to grow up without a mom and I can’t even imagine/don’t want to imagine that for my children. My stomach churns just typing this out. I’ve been fixated on my own health, turning every random ping and pang and pain into some chronic or life-threatening disease. Convincing myself of the worst outcome. Convincing myself I’ll have to say goodbye to my children someday soon. How morbid? How did I get here? Obsessing over the fact that I’m dying when there is literally no proof to support that? Just my mind going wild and creating it’s own wild narrative, like a book I can’t stop reading. After hearing the quote above, I realized how I was completely robbing myself and probably my husband and kids of current happiness. I was always thinking ahead. Always concerned with what’s going to happen and not focusing my energy on what is happening. Truth is, we’re all going to die. Some sooner than others. Which should be all the MORE reason to live now. Live presently. Live mindfully. The future is not mine, it’s not here. There is only now.
Over the past couple of months, I’ve been trying to retrain and reframe my thought process. I have now learned that “if your mind can think it, your body can feel it” and that’s how the bulk of my anxiety was presenting itself. Chest pains, back aches, headaches, dizziness, brain fog, you name it. I was constantly looking up if all of these could be caused by anxiety and guess what? Yep they sure can be. So while I was constantly off in wonderland worrying about things and ailments that are not currently happening, I was missing out on all the current beauty of the moments happening right now.
Finding the root of your anxiety is truly the only way to fix it. It’s not going to happen over night and you need to really start to uncover some uncomfortable truths about yourself. Why certain physical, mental and emotional habits are formed over time.
I am grateful for our new pup for many reasons. She has been a great snuggler and a fun addition to our family hikes. But selfishly, I’m grateful she forces me to go outside and walk. Walking with her allows me time to listen to podcasts/books, really think about the events of the day, and reflect on progress. It’s a break in the constant go, go, go of having children. That’s not a knock on parenting, either. I love staying home with my kids and spending literally every day together. But sometimes, to keep myself centered and grounded, I need some quiet time with my thoughts — and that’s what Hazey (our dog) brought me.
There will be no “New Year, New Me”. I don’t want to be “new”. I want to always be the me that has been putting in the hard work. I want the scars and the laugh lines. I welcome them. I want to continue to grow and learn and be a work in progress. I want the piles of knowledge to continue to stack up higher and higher. If you aren’t proud of the work you’ve put into yourself and the person you are becoming, it’s time to reevaluate. It’s time for change. Your path is your own but you’ve got to take that first step.
I hope this incoming New Year brings you clarity to find your higher purpose within yourself. To see what needs to be shifted to guide you toward the person you want to end up being. You’re always worth putting work into.
Maybe I’ll be back before January. Maybe not. So if not,
Happy Holidays!
Happy New Year!
-AD