Hey Guys!
Today’s topic was requested by a darling friend of mine. She asked me to cover “how do you remain respectful and loving with family and friends while not allowing their opinions or comments to affect your parenting”. I’ll start by saying before my parenting journey, I took every single comment anyone said to heart. I mean, I would sit and think about it for days or even weeks after the fact. I am grateful for many many things I’ve learned so far through parenting but one of the things that remains a learning process is listening to other people’s opinions. When I had my first baby, I was 25. Let’s be honest, what in the hell do we even know at 25?! HA! After he was born, the opinions flooded in so fast from friends and family alike I couldn’t even keep up with them all.
I will say, it seemed like a majority of the opinions pouring in were said with good intentions. There were a few that now looking back, it seems like people just said because they:
1- like to hear themselves talk
or
2- think they know better
Whatever the reason behind the opinions, sometimes it can be overwhelming and hard to manage. When other people give their two cents it can cause you to question yourself and your ability when it comes to parenting. And speaking of opinions, it is my personal opinion that no one knows your baby better than you do. Not one single person. No matter what opinion someone gives you, remember you made your initial decisions for a reason. That’s not to say that you can’t learn or take something positive away from an unwanted opinion. Sometimes people are onto something but they don’t convey their idea in a helpful way.
If I were in one of these situations, honestly, I would most likely become defensive/reactive (yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m working on it). The way I would *like* to respond would be to try to understand where the person is coming from, think about why this person is saying what they are, and am I reacting in a way that is going to be constructive or destructive. We live in a time where reacting is the norm and that often leads to heated conversations. If you’re trying to avoid arguments or banter, this requires (a lot) of effort on your part. Now if the opinion is coming from a stranger, I would brush it off and either just walk away or say something sassy yet polite like, “ thank you for your input although I didn’t ask”. The situation requires more when an opinion is coming from a family member or close friend.
Now when I’m talking about opinions here, I don’t mean something small like, “I think you should dress your kid in green because it brings out their eyes”. I’m talking about the line crossing, sometimes mean opinions that come from people you love or care about. Like I said earlier, I do believe (or at least I always want to believe) that these people are offering up whatever opinion with good intentions. Is that always the case? Probably not. But managing that kind of situation can be tricky. Unless you can let these opinions roll off your back, and I mean really let them roll…Not hang onto them and revisit them from time to time in your head…Then that’s probably the best thing you can do. But if you’re human like the rest of us, it’s not so easy to just let mean things people say roll. If you’re going to confront someone about it, I would suggest starting with something like, “I know you’re offering this opinion because you care but it makes me feel like ‘XYZ’”. As stated earlier, we are so used to reacting rather than actually listening to what another person is saying that this might bring out a defensive reaction from the other person other than a compassionate response. If the other person reacts negatively, I would suggest repeating the fact that you know it’s coming from a good place but it doesn’t make you feel good and give them the reasons you disagree with their opinion or explain why you think a different way works better for you and your family. If they continue to react negatively, it’s safe to say they aren’t “listening” to you, they are just hearing what you’re saying and waiting to argue back. It’s up to you how deep into a heated conversation or argument you want to get into with someone. Hopefully, if you tell someone you love or care about that their opinion upset you, they will compassionately respond and have a mature conversation with you about it.
It’s important to remember that no one is perfect and a lot of people are also struggling with their own insecurities. As we all are. Their reaction or response to you may be a reflection of how they feel about themselves. No matter what they say, their response is a reflection of themselves and not you.That doesn’t mean that you sit there and just take every insult or insulting opinion given to you. Something I’m currently learning myself is how to set healthy boundaries. I’ve learned so far that if talking about a specific topic with someone usually leads to hurt feelings or an argument, it’s probably not a good idea to even bring it up in conversation. As I reread that last sentence it seems like a, “no shit Sherlock” statement but I’ve been lost in conversation with someone I love and trust and have brought up topics knowing that we disagree on them. Setting boundaries with conversation can be hard. You don’t always want to set boundaries with someone you love dearly like a parent or a sibling but sometimes it’s necessary. You shouldn’t let someone take away all the time and effort you’ve put into bettering yourself. Remember that just because you’re on a learning journey doesn’t mean that everyone is. Some people are stuck in their ways with no intention of learning new things or learning how to grow and adapt. You will never have a breakthrough with these people on certain topics or ideas so it’s not worth putting too much time and energy into changing something that never will.
Moving onto how to not let other people's words affect you – it’s HARD. I think it’s something that will always be hard but you can grow in this area of your life by teaching yourself different ways to remain confident in yourself. Parenting is like a wild rollercoaster ride where you feel like you have 100 downs for every up. I’ve talked to so many people who just feel like they aren’t doing a good job, or they’re struggling to find balance with parenting, or they are tired of having to sift through the immense amount of information on the internet just to find the truth. It is not easy to have confidence in yourself as a parent when you’re flooded with a ton of different information online. One of the things I’ve done to help me with this is to find certain sites online that you trust that you can reference more than once instead of googling a question and finding a hundred and one answers. Another suggestion is to *gasp* lay off social media. I noticed a huge difference in my confidence as a mom when I wasn’t comparing myself to anyone else. I decided to delete all accounts but if you want to still keep yours, it might be a good idea to set limits. Limit the time you spend mindlessly scrolling or looking at other people’s profiles that cause you to think twice about how you are doing things. When I was on Instagram and looking at all these beautiful profiles of people with like 10 kids, a huge farm, growing and making their own food, I started to want my own farm. Yes, please, let’s ALL LAUGH together because there would be nothing funnier than watching me milk a dang cow. I loved the idea of it all but found myself wishing my life was similar to what I was seeing in these profiles and it wasn’t even true. I don’t want to manage a farm full of animals while homeschooling my children and trying to take care of my house. I don’t want to rely on livestock for income. I don’t want to make my own loaf of bread, I prefer buying it. Which brings me to my last suggestion which is also based on personal experience is to take time for yourself. I know, I know, easier said than done. Really getting to know yourself and thinking about what you want out of life is crucial in staying confident in yourself and your decisions. Taking care of yourself can be taking 30 minutes to yourself to read, to take an unrushed shower, to exercise, to eat a meal without little tiny humans bugging you for every bite, WHATEVER it is, just take the time. It doesn’t need to be a lavish spa day or a vacation from reality. I would actually advise finding some self care you can work into a daily routine so that you get to experience it every day.
I know a lot of this was directed at parenting but I do think it’s applicable to anyone. Having confidence in yourself is important to staying true to your values and not allowing other people’s opinions to make decisions for you. You know yourself best. Do what’s best for YOU.