Hey Guys!
Happy Monday, y’all. I hope everyone had a beautiful weekend! The weather here in Florida was just perfect. Low 80s and sunny! We spent the entire weekend outside catching those rays. They don’t call Florida the Sunshine State for nothin!
On Thursday night I had a session with my therapist. It’s been a while since I saw her, probably because of my habits of avoidance. Who knew it would be so hard to address feelings you’ve been avoiding for almost 16 years?! I’ll do my best to summarize our session that really kind of lit a spark for me mentally. For background, my mom and sister died in a car accident in 2007. I was 15, my little sister was 13 and my mom was 37. One minute they were there, my entire world, and the next they were gone. My therapist asked who was there for me during the loss of the two most important people in my life. I answered – my dad was there for me of course. I moved in with him immediately. But she kept repeating, “who was there for you when you were going through all of this?” and I answered again. My family, who all lived a short drive away, was there for me. She asked me to be more specific but I couldn’t really give her any details. We came to the conclusion that even after my family’s best effort, I really didn’t have the support a 15 year old child would need after such a traumatic loss. Somehow, this came as a shock to me. Now, I’m sure there are things I cannot remember about how my family and friends were there for me and I’m sure my family made suggestions of therapy and as a bratty teenager, I probably rejected. In any sense, whether it was my fault or not, I did not receive the resources I needed to process all of this in a healthy way. So what did I do?
Carried on with my life…
Looking back, I honestly don’t know how I did it. I certainly do NOT recommend just bottling everything up. That bottle top will eventually *pop*. My bottle popped in the form of dizzying anxiety. For months, I have had dizzy spells (that have finally started to lessen in frequency) that have prevented me from living my life to its fullest. Living life to the fullest…a quote that sticks with me and strikes a cord. It was one of my sister's favorite sayings. Something I promised myself I would always do in honor of her. But now as an adult, I’m not mentally allowing myself to do it. And it turns out (according to my therapist) I’ve been avoiding remembering my sister and my mom by always finding something to worry about. Now obviously, I have not forgotten who they are. I will admit, I have forgotten things about them that I had wished to hold onto forever. Their favorite colors, favorite songs, favorite foods, etc. I wish I would have written everything I knew about them down all those years ago but here we are, with only my own memory to call on. She asked me to try to remember who they were. Something I have been thinking about all weekend. I decided that I was going to wear a ring with one of my moms diamonds in it and a bracelet with my sister's name on it everyday to keep them in the forefront of my mind. Every time I have a free minute, I try to think about them and remember who they were. I often find myself wondering what they’d be like now and how they would be involved in my life.
It may seem like a silly task – to force yourself to remember loved ones you’ve lost – but how else are you going to keep them alive in your heart? I’m really trying to remember all of the good times I used to have with them and the constant laughing we’d do. I remember on the weekends, we’d all be cleaning my moms small apartment while opening all the windows and blasting music. Probably country music. I hated doing it then and wish I knew it would be one of my favorite memories as an adult. I’m also learning that all the memories you hang on to don’t have to be glorified or extravagant. I’m sure more and more memories will start to surface as time goes on and as I focus more of my energy on remembering them. I’m looking forward to reopening my relationship with them.
Moving forward, I want to be more aware of the feelings and emotions I’m avoiding and start to ask myself why I’m avoiding them. I think it’s important to take the steps to do the hard inner work on yourself. You’ll never regret learning more about yourself and putting the time and work in. I encourage you to do the same. Start to really sit with your feelings in a quiet setting and think about what you may be avoiding thinking about. Then try to address why you’re avoiding it. I’m excited to finally get rid of this worrisome burden I’ve been carrying on my shoulders for far too long. And in learning and doing this for myself, I’ll have the experience and knowledge to pass on to my kids to help them navigate their feelings and emotions as well.
Keep searching and learning
-A
Beautiful, Ally. I love that you’re digging deep to remember them…& that will bring you so much healing 💗