Hey Guys!
What a week it’s been! I’m comin’ atcha on Saturday and will be skipping Mondays weekly post. This week has been like Christmas for you guys — technically 3 posts this week! You’re welcome ;) HA
Crossed Off the Bucket List – Yeehaw!
On Friday afternoon I got to see a national freaking treasure – WILLIE NELSON! He was incredible and did not disappoint. I mean, the man is almost 90 years old so I didn’t want to expect too much but dang, I loved what I saw! The tour is titled, “Willie Nelson and Family”. He performs with one of his sons who was also great! It was so much fun to watch Willie look over at this son (almost in tears) while they performed together. You could tell he was just so grateful to be alive and not only performing still, but enjoying it with his son. He sang song after song and just nailed every single one. I will now be listening to nothing but Willie Nelson for a few months. And with 200+ albums (98 studio, 14 live, 51 compilations and 41 video albums), it shouldn’t be too hard!
Courtney’s Birthday
This is where the “Remembering II” title comes in. On Thursday, it was my little sister’s 29th birthday. As mentioned in my last post, my therapist said that I should work on remembering my mom and sister better and more often to help me sort through the trauma I’ve been avoiding all this time. On Court’s birthday, I made a lemon blueberry cheesecake which was to die for, picked some pretty purple flowers and had some champagne to celebrate. I texted my family and asked them to recall their favorite memories of Court and some of them were new to me or instances I had forgotten about. It was really sweet to hear favorite memories from my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. In hearing everyone else’s memories I wanted to come up with my own favorite memory. Now, as most of you with siblings can probably agree, it’s almost impossible to narrow down a childhood of memories into one favorite. Collectively though, my favorite memories with my sister include exploring our little small town, playing in the creek, playing with our neighborhood crew (shout out to the Easton Rd crew), late night sleepovers at my grandparents, going to the pool in the summer, and building snow forts in the winter.
To my surprise, I found myself smiling at these memories. Typically when I think of memories of Courtney I get sad they were so short lived and that we weren’t given the lifetime to make memories together. I often wonder what she’d be like now. A mom? A wife? Would she be the cool fun Aunt? What would she do for work? What would her interests or hobbies be? I had a conversation with my friend about this and got slightly frustrated at the fact that I don’t even know what her interests/hobbies would be. She wasn’t even given enough time here to grow up. When she died, her interests were children's interests. Basketball, softball, choir. Nothing that would really translate into what she would do with the rest of her life.
I hate the wording of this phrase but do believe in its meaning. Everything happens for a reason. I very very obviously wish my mother and sister were alive and well and able to live a long life by my side. But I also know there are a lot of things that would not have happened if they were still here. The biggest event being my move to Florida. Florida has brought me my husband and my three beautiful children. Would I have gotten married in Pennsylvania? Yeah probably. Would I have had children? Most likely. But they wouldn’t be these kids. The kids who are literally the most important beings in my life. The kids who are so caring and loving and I believe with every ounce of my being that this world is better for having them in it.
And maybe I wouldn't have the family values I have now due to the loss I’ve experienced. It has taken me a long time to come to this realization but if I had to place a silver lining on the worst thing to happen to me, it would be my current family. Initially when I came to this realization, I felt guilty. How could I find a positive aspect of my mom and sister dying? What kind of monster could put a positive spin on that? But as I grow older and continue trying to understand it all, I’m realizing that everything that happens to you, good or bad, is happening to set something else in your life up. It’s up to you if you take a positive path or fall down a negative one. And don’t get me wrong, you can pick the positive path and have some low lows. I’ve been there. If you knew me in my early 20s, yeah, enough said.
M’s JiuJitusu Success ;)
Okay, okay, he’s only been in jiu jitsu for about a month – absolutely killing it! On Wednesday, M got his first stripe on his belt! The pure joy and excitement on his face was just so amazing to see. To see him put work into something (yes he practices at home) and for him to be rewarded and see it pay off was just incredible. He loves going every week and takes it so seriously. Seeing him react with other kids (since he’s homeschooled) and seeing him listen attentively, for a 5 year old anyway, is also so rewarding as a parent. We’ve been oozing with pride over this little guy lately and the big kid he’s very quickly morphing into. But don’t you worry, he told me when he’s an adult and has his own kids, he’ll still ask to sit on my lap. We’ll see how that goes!
Shrinking
I’ve been watching a show on AppleTV+ that isn’t the best show, but it has its takeaways and it also has Harrison Ford, so it’s good enough for me to pass some time. The show is about a therapist who loses his wife and ironically doesn’t know how to cope with it all. I was catching up on a few episodes the other night and Harrison Ford’s character said something that really just resonated.
“Two vulnerable people will always find a way to connect.” -Harrison Ford as Paul on Shrinking
With all the work I’ve been trying to put into myself, I’ve been thinking about how closing yourself off and not addressing feelings and emotions head on makes it hard to be fully involved in relationships of any category. My goal is to start allowing myself to be more vulnerable and to drop the defenses. Working on yourself will never be over and is always ongoing. As you get older, you change and your mindset and mental health work has to change along with it. New seasons of life offer new seasons of mental work.
Keep working
-A
Wow, Ally. I love how you’re celebrating your sister—that cake looks amazing, & the notes from all your family remembering her—so special & such a great way to celebrate her life 💕