Hey Guys!
I’ll start by saying this post may be all over the place. I have a lot of thoughts about and relating to my journey of trying to become more self-aware. My intention with this post is to share my experience and hope it helps even one person start to think about their own self-awareness and how to learn and grow more as they continue on their journey in life. So let’s get started…
Let’s face it, no one wants to admit there is something wrong with them or they’re not good at something. But in the same breath, I’m sure most of you would quickly admit you are not perfect. So where does that leave us? I consider myself a longtime learner –or at least am striving to be– in many aspects. I’m constantly trying to learn more about life, spirituality, parenting, relationships, gardening, food, etc. Anything that is remotely relative to my life. But while learning in those areas, I’m also trying to learn more about myself. What can I handle? What am I good at? What parts of me need work? If I’m being honest (since this entire publication is rooted in honesty), I’m so sick of the “I’m perfect just the way that I am” nonsense. Or using, “that’s just how I am” as an excuse to exhibit unhealthy behavior. I’m certainly not sitting here saying we should pick ourselves apart and focus only on the negative parts of us, but to think and act like you can have a happy and successful life without changing, learning and growing seems silly and is kind of outright selfish. As stated at the beginning of this paragraph, I’m sure most of us would be quick to admit we’re not perfect. So what should we be focusing on?
Some focus points of mine (but certainly are not limited to):
I grew up in a small town and unfortunately, with that, comes the power of gossip. I grew up surrounded by it in all settings. Over the last couple of years I’ve been trying to really focus and zero-in on why I feel the need to gossip. Who does it help? And more importantly, who does it hurt? If I’m being honest, I don’t know one single person who doesn’t gossip. But just because “everyone else is doing it” doesn’t mean that it's helpful or constructive. Getting off of social media initially was one of the things that really opened my eyes to how much I was actually gossiping. I no longer had a lens into friends and strangers lives and therefore couldn’t talk about them anymore. None of the gossiping I was doing was ever *intended* to be malicious or hurtful but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t. It didn’t mean I was ONLY saying nice things about people. And for what? What was the point of talking about people on the internet? The removal of this lens really shifted the topics of my discussions – for the better. I started to find time to read instead of scroll, listen to podcasts instead of scroll, and be more observant of my surroundings instead of scrolling. All things I think start to lead you to be more present in the current moment in your life. Have I perfected the art of not gossiping? Absolutely not. But becoming more aware of what was feeding the gossip hub, I am now more aware of when I am gossiping and how to control it. Self-awareness will always be baby steps towards a larger goal.
Another focus point of mine is how I’m very argumentative/defensive. I am still very much addressing this one and am in the infancy stages of awareness when it comes to this. If someone starts an argument with me (or me with them), I often find myself not even listening to what they say to consider their side of things. I am often just listening to them so I can come up with a quick and witty comeback. I’ve always been this way. The witty/sarcastic one. I remember in grade school, someone asked me to help them argue with another person online. They’re reasoning? “Because you’re good at it”. Is being good at arguing something I take pride in? No, not really. When I think about it, it means I’ve argued with enough people, enough times to be good at it. I do realize arguments are going to happen and they are a part of every relationship no matter how strong that relationship is. But I catch myself picking fights with people or even making little side comments to get their attention in a negative way. I wonder why this is? This is what I’m currently working on. Why do I feel it’s necessary to pick fights? One of the major parts of this I’m trying to work on is catching myself before lashing out or making an unnecessary comment, while also asking myself, “what purpose is this comment/argument serving?” I in no way consider myself a mean or negative person. I actually pride myself on being quite the opposite. But I am a realist. I can acknowledge these faults in myself and that’s the first step in starting to fix them. Despite being a good person, why is it I seek out negative attention? Another thing to consider with an issue like this is, where is it rooted? When did it start and why? People aren’t born defensive so what happened to make this a coping/defense mechanism always present in my life? These are typically the parts of it people don’t want to think about. The brain can even block certain events and feelings so this will be no easy feat to conquer. But you owe it to yourself to try.
I’d say the biggest focus point, the one that requires the most thought and effort, comes in two parts.
Part 1: Being the parent you want to be vs. being the parent you are.
Weird, most people would just say, “I am the parent I want to be. Why would I be a parent I don’t want to be?” Ahhh, yes. *If only* it was that simple. I don’t want to be the parent who yells. But do I yell? All the time. I don’t want to be the mama whose brain is running even when she’s asleep. But does it? Absolutely. It runs faster than all hell. Three kids – their well-being, appointments, homeschooling, social life, food, schedule, TV time, outside time…the list goes on and on and on and on…On top of that, I have to consider myself and my own thoughts, life, schedule, food, exercise, etc. And ON TOP OF THAT, I think about my husbands life, schedule, job, well-being etc. Thankfully he can manage himself and use the bathroom on his own, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t present in my mind. ;-)
So what’s one way to manage all of this, because DAMN. It’s a lot. Keeping things organized is a good start. I noticed I wasn’t forgetting as much if I wrote it all down on the calendar, no matter how small the task. Need to call for a refund? Write it down. Need to schedule an appointment? Write it down. Grocery list? Write it down. Another part of this that would surely make things easier, I am just awful at. Routine. We hear it all the dang time, kids just run better on a routine. And you’d think with 3 kids, that would be enough to convince me to follow one. But here I am, our days mostly the same but following no real routine. At least not a timed-scheduled one.
Part 2: Living the life you want vs. living the life you’re living.
Pretty much the same concept as Part 1 but applying it all to your daily life. Think about your life. Are there aspects of your life you know you’d change if you could? Aspects you would keep the same? When you think about the parts you would change, why can’t you? Is it that you actually can’t, or is it that it would be scary and difficult to do so? Don’t like your job? Change it. Will it be hard? Probably. Will it be scary? For sure. But time is one thing you will never get back. Ever. And it just continues to fly by.
Do you want to start exercising? Eating right? There’s no day like today. You have to take the initial jump and set attainable goals. Once you meet that goal, set another. And another. Consistency in this category is key and the key to consistency isn’t motivation. Motivation is temporary. Self-discipline is what will keep you consistent. Work these changes into your daily routine so that you’re more likely to stay consistent.
Do you want to start reading more? Maybe that means cutting out TV time or time spent scrolling on your phone. Start by blocking out a chunk of time in your day and dedicate it to reading.
My point with these examples is if you *want* to do something, but are coming up with excuses not to, start to look deeper and consider what the real issue is. Anyone is capable of change. It won’t always be easy or fun to make these changes but if you want to make these changes, something in your head is telling you it’s probably the right thing to do. So take that thought and run with it. Commit. Hold yourself accountable in a society filled to the brim with excuses to be lazy. Prioritize the things that are important to you because one day you’ll be 50, 60, 70 years old wishing you could go back in time and just make these changes that will all seem so simple down the line.
Mental Sweat Activity: Sit down with paper and pen to really think about parts of yourself that could use a little work. Write them down. Write out different ways you can start to implement some self-work to make some positive changes in these areas. This isn’t an exercise to sit and write down everything you don’t like about yourself. This actually isn’t even related to things you don’t like about yourself. It takes a lot of courage to sit and think about different things you could work on and to figure out ways to actually implement that work. It won’t happen overnight. It won’t be easy and depending on what you’re working on, it may not even be fun. But you will thank yourself for putting in the time and effort for yourself. The ultimate “self-care”.
If moving away from social media is something you would like to start looking into I suggest subscribing to the page, Moving Offline by Jose Briones.
Nice share, Ally. Thank you.
I laughed at your comment on 'gossip'. Many years ago I watched Canadian journalist Pamela Wallin on her talk show talking about gossip. it was interesting, and I wound up writing that gossip was actually more honest than the news. If I remember my argument, the news has the intention of creating the idea of truth of what is happening, and so is a lie. At least gossip is often grounded in truth, while having no pretence of creating something truthful. And yet, to not gossip is important, although not as important as stopping reading, watching or listening to the news. :-)
As to change. Yes, to all you have said. And I would like to offer you an interesting and one of the (superficially) easiest changes you can do that will help with all your other changes you want to make. And to change the energy of your life positively at the same. Notice and stop using 'have to' as a motivator for yourself. And also, stop using it to motivate others or as an excuse not to do something. As to the latter, the common 'It was nice to see you again, we really have to get together soon', knowing that that is actually a lie.
I have a long discussion on this, best done orally. Perhaps I'll stack it. For now, here, a short version. I'll say that with self talk, saying 'I have to' do this or that is one part of myself bullying another part. That creates resistance and push back from the part that truthfully knows I don't *have to* do anything. It will fight me and so accomplishing my 'have to' task becomes more difficult to complete, and perhaps even draining. And if I succeed at the 'have to' task's accomplishment, I will have a kind of ambivalent feeling about that because I 'successfully' bullied a part of my self that will feel defeated. I stopped 'have to' in my language almost 20 years ago. It is, imo and experience, a game changer of life.
Instead, opt to 'choose to' do this or that. Or 'want to do'. And then you will discover that have to often comes from a place of weakness that offers an unconscious opt out card. You will begin to limit the chosen actions because to choose to act is to be powerful and to act. To have to act often comes from a place of weakness and allows the actions to pile up into craziville. You will feel both good and bad by not completing the 'have tos' because the bullied self with feel vindicated: 'See, I was right. I really didn't 'have to' do that after all.' It is a total mess.
I think you have inspired me to write that up into my substack. I have more, including 'should' and 'try' and even the subtly evil concept of 'deservedness.' OMG! So much to write.
ps. thank you for subscribing to my stack. All the best, with peace, love and gratitude.