I’m not sure how or why I’m writing right now. The last few days have been an absolute blur. The stomach flu (I’m assuming) ran through our house like a tornado. First, the 2 year old. Then me and my 4 year old. Then my 6 year old. Now my husband. Thankfully the kids are on the mend and we’re at the tail end of this horrendous bug but we are far from feeling normal.
And to my husband who is just beginning his journey with it…I wish you good luck and I love you.
Getting sick used to feel like part of life. Everyone gets sick and everyone (typically, aside from an outlier) gets better. But Covid really skewed (ruined) my perception of this particularly. Or maybe it was before that, when I had my first baby. With sickness now comes an overwhelming wave of anxiety. The last couple of days has really rocked me. Tight chest, rapid breathing — all on top of nausea, dehydration, exhaustion, vomiting and the gross one at the other end. 🤢
Whenever someone I know gets sick, I now jump to worst case scenario. I’m not even concered with Covid. I’ve had it a few times. It’s just now, after all the hype (propaganda), I have anxiety that being sick means near death or death. For anyone. No matter how healthy.
So these last few days have been a whirlwind for me. Up with the kids on separate nights (literally every half hour to hour). And it’s no ones problem but my own. Adding to my own suffering. Which I’m starting to take into consideration more often. Or trying to at least. I know a lack of sleep is really the biggest detriment, often causing the most anxiety.
I’m always considering worst case scenario. I’ve done this for as long as I can remember but I know it got worse and worse with each baby. Now it feels all consuming.
I read a tweet (or I guess a post now) on X today that really resonated with me.
“…there is gloom enough in the world without me adding to it.” -@caseybhead
When I know I’m having an irrational or wildly intrusive thought, I *try* to throw myself right in it. So I started to think…okay so let’s consider worst case scenario. How would you want life to be in those moments? Anxious? Doom and gloom? No, absolutely not. I tried my best to put on a tough face for my beautiful, brave children who deserve a mother who is always considering them above anything else. A mother who shows up even when it’s hard. Even when she’s about to pass out putting laundry away because she’s so exhausted (yeah, true story). I brought these sweet children into the world and they deserve nothing but as much happiness as I can give them.
Moving forward, I am putting my children above my anxiety. I have been selfish to a degree to allow my anxiety to come before them. I know some people will follow up with, “you need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your children”. And while I agree, I don’t believe taking care of myself is feeding into anxiety and putting anxiety before making sure my children are happy, comfortable, and above all, feeling nothing but love. If I’m able to change one thing this year, I’m hoping it’s this: hoping I can find a way to show my children that they’re the most important thing to me. I want to be nothing but a source of light for them.
There’s a bunch more I could say on this but needed to just get some of this stuff off my already tight and heavy chest. I’m delerious, exhausted and ready to just snuggle up with my babies for a sleepover while we all hopefully get the rest we all need.
-AD