Hey Guys!
I have no idea why I feel the need to type this one out. I’m not sure if it will make me feel better or make my unorganized thoughts feel more organized. Maybe it’s because the holidays are coming up and that’s always where I feel their loss the most.. This one is brutal but here we go…
In 2007, my mom died in a car accident along with my sister. In my opinion, it was no accident. The accident was caused by a trucker who fell asleep at the wheel. Regardless of fault, it happened. Here I am, over 15 years later, more than half of my entire life, still picking up the phone sometimes to call my mom. It started happening a lot more after my daughter was born in July 2021. I’m not really sure what it means or if it means anything at all other than I miss her and want to share this part of my life with her.
When I found out I was having a girl after having 2 boys, I was ecstatic. I ran out and immediately told my husband and mother-in-law after I got the phone call from the OB office. We weren’t planning on having a third baby (surprise number 1) and I thought I was only capable of having boys (surprise number 2 finding out I was having a girl). After I told them, emotions were running high. How was I supposed to raise a daughter when I didn’t even have my own mom for the second half of my life? Where was I going to get the help and advice that only your own mother can offer you about raising a daughter? I just wanted to pick up the phone and call my mom to ask her what to do. What comes next?
– I do have to point out and give credit to my amazing mother-in-law who has filled the shoes of the motherly role I was lacking as best as anyone could. Shout out to Doreen, you da best –
I miss my mom so much. All the way to my core. But there are some days I don’t feel that she’s gone. There’s some days where it feels like we just spoke a few hours ago. Those are the best feelings I get in this never ending grief cycle. But there’s also days where it feels like it’s been longer than 15 years. Whenever something even remotely big happens, I want to tell my mom. Got my drivers license, graduated high school, moved to Florida, bought a house, got married, had 3 babies, etc. The list of things you want to tell your mom is literally never ending. If she were here today, there’s no doubt we would be texting every minute of every day about everything and anything at all.
You are nowhere near the person you are going to be when you are 15. I was rude. I had an attitude. I didn’t want to hang out with my mom. I wanted to go out to friends' houses or to the movies. If I knew my time was going to be cut short I would have made different decisions back then. But who could know? Who would have ever thought? No one ever believes these kinds of things can happen to them until they do.
In the last year or so I have come to a couple of conclusions about death and grief. These are just my conclusions based on my own feelings and beliefs so if you’d like to laugh them off, your call!
I still talk to and about my mom. My son (age 5) sleeps with the blanket my mom gave me a few years before she died. He tells me, “it’s his most special blankie because my mom gave it to me and I gave it to him”. I know he barely grasps the idea of death and loss. He’s 5. I don’t want him to have to grasp that yet. But he also slips in little comments here and there that makes me think I don’t give his understanding of it enough credit. He’ll say things like, “I really wish Mimi Trish could see this.” And he of course loves when we celebrate her birthday with cake.
People mean well when they say things like, “your mom and sister are always with you” or “they would be so proud of who you’ve become”. I truly believe they are still with me. In some way or some capacity beyond what I can fully understand. My perception of death has changed a lot over the years. I used to believe that when you died, you just…well, died. After having many conversations and nights awake thinking, I came to the conclusion that that just can’t be possible. There has to be more to it. Enter The Law of Conservation of Mass. HUH WHAT?! The law states (according to Wikipedia), “The law implies that mass can neither be created nor destroyed, although it may be rearranged in space, or the entities associated with it may be changed in form.” Although I’ve explored a lot of other spiritual ideas, and I’m still exploring and learning, this one just seems to make the most sense to me. What happens to our consciousness after we die? Where does it go? What or who does it turn into? I most certainly do not have any of these answers considering I have never died and lived to tell about it. Ha, get it?
I really can’t even begin to tell you the relief I felt when I finally gave myself something to believe in when it came to loss. I started to think, what does it really matter what anyone believes in? As long as I’m not pushing my beliefs on another person or harming anyone based on my beliefs, they are just simply…my beliefs. My advice to anyone who is struggling with loss, any type of loss, is to just start looking into different ideas surrounding death. There will be an idea somewhere out there that will stick with you for whatever reason and it will bring you so much relief you will hopefully start to heal.
Just a few years ago I came to the realization that, although I would prefer my mom and sister be here (OBVIOUSLY), I definitely would not have the current life I have. Who knows what different decisions would have been made? The silver lining to it all is knowing that everything in my past has led me right here. Right now. With my beautiful family, the best part of me. It’s also taught me to enjoy the little things. The simple days spent with loved ones, the mundane, everyday “boring” stuff.
Thanks for hanging in there and reading this mumbo jumbo thought explosion. I find it soothing to just type these thoughts out sometimes even if they aren’t organized. Let’s face it, they definitely aren’t organized in my head. This write-up was focused around my mom but applies just as well to my feelings about my sister. She deserves her own write-up and I’m sure it’s coming soon :)
Welcome to substack. I've written lots about love and loss. My baby brother was deeply spiritual and he died in 1993 at 31 years of age. He speaks to me all the time. My mom wanted to believe it. My dad poo poo'd it until days before he died when he said to me, "You and I will have lots of communication in the great here and beyond." I think bro Steve was already there letting him know that he'd be guiding him over. Now that they are all over there, I have proof (at least for myself) that they still know exactly what I'm doing and what streets I'm traveling on. Here's just a tiny bit of this communication I'll be providing more soon here on substack. https://journalisa.substack.com/p/mom-once-said-all-my-favorite-people